Christmas Crackers

They’re corny and seldom improve with the telling, but Christmas lunch wouldn’t be complete without the chorus of groans that corny cracker jokes always provoke.

Q. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
A. No Brussels.

Q. What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
A. A stick.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
A. He was picking his nose.

Q. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A. A barberqueue.

Q. Why was the turkey in the pop group?
A. Because he was the only one with drumsticks!

Q. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A. “It’s Christmas Eve”.

Q. What does Santa do with fat elves?
A. He sends them to an Elf Farm.

Q. What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
A. He pulled a cracker.

Q. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
A. One day my prints will come.

Q. When do vampires like racing?
A. When it’s neck and neck.

Q. What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
A. He gives them the sack.

Q. What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A. A mobile bone.

Q. Why did the pony have to gargle?
A. Because it was a little horse.

Q. Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?
A. Because they always drop their needles.

Q. What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
A. Bark, the herald angels sing.

Q. What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner?
A. Twerky.

Q. What do snowmen have for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
A. The elf-abet!

Q. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?
A. Neighbours.

Q. What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A. A chew chew train.

Q. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
A. He had no body to go with.

Q. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
A. Because they were two deer.

Q. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
A. He got 25 days.

Q. How do snowmen get around?
A. By riding an ‘icicle.

Q. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
A. They had a weigh in a manger.

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy.

Q. What is the best Christmas present?
A. A broken drum, you can’t beat it!

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