I’ve been really struggling with my thoughts today. My hips and back have been feeling very ‘pulled’ as my bump expands, which is completely normal at over half way through a pregnancy (!) but that physical feeling and those ‘nervy’ sensations have been bringing back a lot of memories and fears of times when my back has taken really bad.
We’ve had a really full-on weekend celebrating our precious little Lily turning 8, with 2 full days of family and friends, which has been fantastic and I’d have it no other way, but I think the necessity to be well and functioning like that can really take it’s toll once everything settles.
I was feeling really emotional last night and said to David that I just feel like a bit of a failure and feel so ridiculously vulnerable to my back. I have a very straight talking hubby who was able to point out the absurdity of my statement by listing everything I had been fit and able to do over the weekend and focusing on what a success it was for everyone, but more importantly what a happy little girl we had snoozing upstairs.
So….. it got me thinking and wondering why I am feeling so unnerved and perhaps anxious? I was putting a lot down to hormones, emotions and tiredness but then I stumbled across this quote and something really clicked;
Bottom line is I’m sore, my back and hips are aching, I’m experiencing nerve pain and I’m scared. It’s nothing I can’t handle but it’s the fear of what I know it has become in the past. But, please God, it hasn’t flared up to crazy levels and it seems to be manageable so WHY do I have this horrible feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach?
Easy…. My past is showing me how bad it can get. My memories of being stuck in bed, in agony and feeling that complete sense of failure and hopelessness is screaming at me. But I am in a very different situation now, physically, mentally and emotionally so I need to adjust my fearful thinking.
Now that I am aware of what’s going on I will be far more able to work alongside those feelings, which I know are totally understandable, but I don’t want my past to dictate my future. So for the foreseeable future I will be delving deep into all my learning, my positive experiences and hopefully creating memories and experiences of ability and positivity.
I would be a fool to sit here and say that this will guarantee a pain free, fearless future…. I have been living with this for 18 years, I know that’s not the case. But what I can say is that I have more of a chance to keep the pain more manageable, to keep a little more level headed about it and to know that IF the worst comes to the worst and I go through a horrible flare up, there will be a beginning-middle-end to it, that it will not last forever and that I will come out the other side!
But for now, it’s all about the calm… and breathe…..