I am the worst in the world for replying, “yeah I’m good thanks”, putting on a smile and trying to exit the conversation. I have learnt over the years who I can really open up to and who really is asking out of care and kindness or just to be polite.
I am also extremely thran and don’t like to admit, even to myself, how difficult things can get. Hence why this last blog has taken me so long to write.
I’ve tried to dodge the bullet and write about numerous other things, but I know in my gut I want to be honest, I want to be true to what’s showing up in my life… and that is a hell of a lot of pain.
The Easter break (and a good few weeks before it) has been HARD. I was so looking forward to a little time with my family, by the sea, strolling on the beach, de-stressing… but what came along was a nervous trip, having to sit back and watch rather than join in, lots of gritted teeth and a lot of emotion upon returning home.
Don’t get me wrong, the sun was shining, I felt that glorious heat on my body, I got some beautiful time with my family away from distractions of ‘normal’ life but the pain was biting me every single step of the way.
Honestly there’s only so much of that you can take. I have found myself drained, actually emotionally exhausted since I’ve got home… you can only hold it together for so long.
But for now, I am finally accepting I need to take it easier with work, learning to put my automated replies on, taking time for me during the day when it’s quiet, and really looking at this as a nurturing time.
Maybe my body was screaming at me as I’d been pushing it too hard, or maybe this is purely down to an expanding bump on old injuries mixed with management of chronic pain… it’s hard for me not to know exactly why, but now that I’m home and I’m processing the emotional impact of such an acute time I already feel like I’m recharging.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sick to the back teeth of waking up in pain, wondering how my pain will affect my day, trying to hide it, pleading for it to leave…. But I also remember some very life changing advice I was once given;
I look back at my Easter break and smile as I remember watching my mum rock pooling with the girls, feeling the heat of the sun on my back, getting to dip my feet in the sea and laughing so hard cause it was completely baltic, lazy morning cuddles, yummy food, listening to and joining in lots of giggles and being surrounded by wonderful family and friends.
I am so utterly blessed in so many ways and I will NEVER give up finding more ways of finding hope, health and healing in my life and believing that there are many miraculous, beautiful, breath taking ‘sparkly bits’ ahead.